


unromantic

by orphan_account



Category: One Piece
Genre: M/M, really general descriptions of what can only be called dry humping, sanji is a disaster of a human being, unsafe candle lighting practices, usopp gets the good wine, usopp is just down for whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 15:51:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18318434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: sanji and usopp ft. insecure groping





	unromantic

**Author's Note:**

> i made up the fact that usopp's favorite food is mac and cheese. i'm sure that's not the case but idk and idc

"You- you're being serious."

Sanji, mouth drawn in a tight line, nodded. 

"Don't fucking laugh," Sanji warned, reaching for a pocket that wasn't there for a cigarette that also wasn't there. His hand wavered, at a loss, before landing on the fabric of his boxers. He looked around the floor before spying his pants flung over his bunk. 

Fuck you, pants, for being so far away. 

His gaze turned back onto Usopp, who was hovering next to him with the look of someone who was supremely unsure on how to proceed.

"I mean, if you wanted to make sure I wouldn't laugh you could k-kiss me again?" Usopp tried. "Or you know, from the expression on your face, kick the daylights out of me-"

"I don't want to kick you!" Sanji said harshly. "I- I just didn't want you to think we were going to go into this and I would know exactly what to do or whatever!"

Usopp wrapped his arms around his chest, willing himself to be less nude in the face of Sanji's sudden burst of insecurity. "I didn't even expect any of this, so I think you're getting ahead of yourself-"

"Oh god," Sanji despaired, digging his head into his hands. "This is the least romantic thing to ever have happened."

Usopp timidly reached out, patting Sanji's bare back. "I mean, I still think it's pretty romantic."

Sanji huffed.

"You made me my favorite dinner-"

"Shitty fucking macaroni and cheese."

Usopp continued his patting, bravely letting his hand soothe down Sanji's skin. Goosebumps formed in the wake of his fingers. "You even gave me a glass of the good wine you save for the girls-"

"Nami-swan's going to kill me."

Usopp barged on. "And you lit candles, Sanji. Even if you knocked them over when you jumped me. That's high romance when it comes to living on a pirate ship. You could have lit this whole place on fire."

Sanji made a noise into his palms that sounded like a sob.

Usopp leaned into Sanji's space, tilting his head so his nose wouldn't hit him in the ear. He lowered his voice to a conspiratory whisper. "You know, word on the sea is the dreaded pirate Usopp, scourge of the lands, has had his dirty way with hundreds, no! thousands of consensual lovers."

"Not this again," Sanji said, drawing his knees up.

Usopp continued. "But the truth is.... and you can't tell a soul! ...that number is greatly inflated."

Sanji looked up, finally, from his hands. "But there is a number."

Usopp shrugged. "Zero is technically a number."

Sanji stared at him, eyebrow drawn. 

"So, uh," Usopp rubbed at his arm. "You've got nothing to worry about, I guess." 

A beat of silence.

"I was about to get lucky and I ruined it," Sanji said in a deadpan. "Is what you're saying."

Usopp shrugged. "That's thinking with the glass half empty. Think of it this way. We're already in a bed."

Sanji unfurled his legs from his chest. "You've got a point."

Usopp put a finger to his chin, thinking. "It'd be a shame to take all of those clothes off only to put them back on."

"Those overalls were pretty tricky," Sanji conceded, getting back in the swing of things. He took a shuddering breath before leaning back into Usopp's space. "And I don't even know where you threw my shirt."

"Neither do I," Usopp agreed before shifting his legs onto Sanji's. "We can start looking.... here?" 

Sanji looked at the hand unceremoniously creeping up the leg of his shorts. "Seriously?"

Indignant, Usopp took his hand back. "Says the guy who seduced me with pasta?!"

"You love pasta," Sanji countered, leaning in to kiss Usopp argumentatively. "And it worked." 

Usopp leaned backwards, fumbling as Sanji followed him down with hungry kisses to his mouth. "Who said it worked?"

"Shut the fuck up, shitty long-nose," Sanji gasped, hips jerking as they settled against each other. "Fuck."

Usopp's face was red in the dim light of the bunk room. "Y-yeah. I second that." He hitched his legs, jerkily, around Sanji's hips. "That feels even better than I imagined."

Sanji looked up from where he was burying his mouth into Usopp's neck, lips wet. "You've imagined it?" The 'too' was silently implied.

Usopp rolled his eyes. "I'm a man in my prime and you're so hot it's unfair," he squeezed at Sanji's ass, earning him the delight of Sanji looking like he'd been sucker-punched. "What do you think?"

"Can't think," Sanji said truthfully. He propped himself up on his forearms, kissing openly at Usopp's general mouth direction. He slid a hand between them to fondle at Usopp's chest, thumbs grazing his nipples. 

Usopp, cursing who he was as a person, moaned and gave him a weak thumbs up. Taking that as explicit approval, Sanji leaned down to replace his thumb with his mouth, his body arcing as they continued to push together.

This isn't going to last long, Usopp thought hazily. His hands were slipping on Sanji's skin, stopping at his thighs to dig in. The muscles there were tense and bunched and Sanji was panting like he'd just run a marathon.

"I'm gonna fucking come," Sanji managed, the words slurred against Usopp's cheek. "You feel so good, I'm gonna come."

Usopp opened his mouth to agree, but all that came out was a super embarrassing noise as he proceeded to blow his load in his underwear. He was vindicated from being ashamed as, seconds later, Sanji followed suite with a less than manly grunt.

Minutes passed. Usopp was considering the life choices that brought him to this point while he lazily stroked Sanji's hair. It was nice.

Finally, when Sanji began to lightly snore atop him, he broke the silence.

"That wasn't so bad," he said aloud.

Sanji jerked awake, their skin peeling apart. "You wanna fucking say that again?"

"I said don't hurt me," Usopp corrected himself.

"That's what I thought," Sanji muttered, unsticking himself from Usopp. When he was on hands and knees he looked down for a moment, a look of absolute uncertainty on his face. 

Usopp leaned up and kissed him and the look was gone. 

"What now?" Sanji asked, before the clomping sound of feet on wood erupted above their heads. They scrambled off the bunk, Usopp throwing Sanji his ruined shirt from the bed. 

"Wanna figure that out later?" Usopp asked, tripping over his own feet as he tried to shove his overalls past his- oh god- drying underwear. 

Sanji leaned in, lightning quick as his fingers tied the worst Windsor knot the world had ever seen, to give Usopp a quick peck around an unlit cigarette. "Later's good."

Usopp leaned down to tie his boot, but hesitated. "Think Zoro will notice that we...."

"Fucked in his bed? I hope he does."

**Author's Note:**

> the ending was actually a placeholder but i left it there because zoro can never get dunked on enough


End file.
